NFL Fit 5k

I'll start off by apologizing for falling off the face of the planet for the past couple weeks -- blame the mail (no, really). I had big plans to post something last week; I had a funny, insightful, gripping (I wish) piece written about the Cowboys' coaching staff but then forgot to post it in a timely manner (again... mail), and now I feel like I've missed my window of opportunity. Perhaps I'll rework it and post it later this week. For now, I'd like to talk about something closer to my heart: fashion.

Glad I didn't lose you with that one. Let me explain: this past weekend I participated in Washington, DC's NFL Fit For You 5k run through the lovely National Harbor. I first heard about it from some friends of mine -- there's some sort of bug going around that makes people I know decide they want to start running. Seeing how if there are two things in this world I'm all for they would be: general healthiness without expending too much energy and opportunities to do things in my Bears jersey and Soffe shorts, I agreed to participate. Since there isn't a 5k race in existence that isn't linked to some sort of charity, I assumed this one was benefiting some sort of NFL health program -- someone alluded to a loose affiliation with the 'make kids play for 60 minutes a day' thing the NFL is promoting and come on, the race has 'fit' in the title, am I right?

No. No I am not right. Turns out this event was a 2 hour commercial promoting the NFL's new line of women's apparel. 'Fit For You' didn't have anything to do with being healthy -- they were talking about the 'fit' of the clothes (in most cases, tight, bedazzled, and either low-riding, low-cut, or with those cap sleeves every designer ever thinks make tee-shirts more 'girly') being more feminine.

The hostess of the event was some women they found god only knows where; she's some sort of trainer to the stars or something equally nauseating. They shoved her in a rhinestone-affixed Redskins tracksuit ('Redskins' across the ass, naturally) and she attempted to lead us in a group warmup before the 5k began. Let me tell you - this warm up was a joke. For some unknown reason this woman decided to lead the crowd while facing away from us. I guess the thinking was that it was better to guide the dozen or so cheerleaders at the back of the stage than the hundreds of people in front of the stage. The end result was that she spent 15 minutes blatently shaking her ass at the better part of a thousand people while flailing her arms about in what I can only guess is an homage to the time she was attacked by a swarm of bees. Or was an extra in 'The Birds'. Or something. I swear the woman came thisclose to dislocating her own shoulder. If that's what her workouts are like, I'll be over there with the meatheads grunting at their too-heavy free weights, thanks.

Truthfully, I could have forgiven the ridiculous woman. I could have forgiven the blatent NFL gear propaganda. I was just there to run a bit, enjoy the beautiful autumn day, get a workout in, see what kind of time I can pull, and hopefully run SG into the ground (success!). But the race itself was disappointing. We were given racing bibs, but neither timing chips nor someone marking official times at the finish line. Half the course was run on a trail cut through some native grasslands -- it was 4 feet wide and made of unpacked sand strewn with boulders and hidden rocks. The 5k was open to runners and walkers, which I'm fine with, and they let the runners go first, which is standard. However the way the course was designed you had to eventually turn around and share the 'scenic' trail with the moms pushing the double-wide strollers going the opposite direction. And the children! Someone decided to allow children into the running group. No one thought about their tendencies to sprint 50 feet then stop dead in front of whatever unlucky soul happened to be behind them at the time. I nearly killed about half a dozen of the little ones and definitely yelled at the pre-teens who were strolling 4 across.

I realize this post wasn't actually about football, and I apologize. It wasn't really about fashion either, which some of you are probably thankful for. Mostly what I wanted to do was express my disappointment in the NFL for such a poorly thought out event. It seemed to me that they planned all the commercial bits first, then realized they had no real reason to get five hundred people in one place at the same time, so they slapped on a 5k. The NFL is associated with how many charities and good causes -- I'm baffled by the fact they centered this event around "Lov[ing] your team without looking like you're on it". I guess it's my own fault for not actually looking at the website before showing up, but still. Keep the advertising to the commercials I can fast-forward my way through, and if you're going to collect a registration fee from me I'd prefer it to support something worthwhile. Even if that 'something' is tearing children away from their game systems for 60 minutes and sending them outdoors with a stick.